For years, sex and intimacy experts have told us to schedule sex.
But all that scheduling – the talking and the planning – how can it be sexy?
I know, I know… we all have a vision for mind-blowing spontaneous sex.
You want to be swept up in passion, totally in sync – as if by some mysterious sex magic. You want mind-bending, heart-pumping orgasmic sex that doesn’t require communication or planning. You don’t even want to really think about how it works. Your body parts do what you want them to do, effortlessly. It’s like you and your partner just know how to touch each other.
Sound familiar?
I get it. You’d rather sex just happen. And, of course, you want it to be sizzling hot!
And, you think if it’s scheduled, it can’t be fun. Or erotic or exciting or intimate.
It’s normal to believe this.
But here’s the thing: waiting for spontaneous sex to fulfill your fantasies is not an effective strategy for actually getting the sex you want.
Here’s a better strategy: schedule sex.
Yes, scheduling sex – planning for it and communicating about it – sets you up for the steamy, sultry, deeply intimate sex you actually want.
Okay, sometimes spontaneous sex does happen. But, if you’re in a long-term relationship, how often does this scenario actually happen these days? And, what if you’re in a dry spell? Are you waiting for a spontaneous encounter to break the spell? Stop waiting around. You may be waiting for a long time. And, in the meantime, your desire withers, resentment sets in, and anxiety takes over.
Think about it: if you aren’t having sex, or if you aren’t excited about the sex you’ve had lately, what do you have to lose? Try scheduling sex.
Do something about it right now. Keep reading. My hope is that you will see scheduling sex can be super freaking sexy!
Here are four reasons why scheduling sex is hot!
Scheduling sex gives you time to build anticipation.
“You can’t just buy her a ticket; you have to get her excited about the trip.” - Esther Perel
When you schedule sex, you have a window of time. Use that time - whether it’s hours, days, or weeks - to build anticipation. Tease your partner. Tease yourself! Stimulate desire. Fantasize. Sext. Leave notes for each other. If you use the time wisely, you can build erotic tension to epic proportions.
If you have time, purchase a toy or prop to prepare for your scheduled sex session. It can be as extravagant as a new sex swing or as simple as a new lube. Gathering your gear will get you excited about the adventure.
When you schedule sex, you can ensure you will not be interrupted.
“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” - Richard Moss
How can you expect to be uninterrupted if you do not plan? How can you be relaxed if there is a chance you will be interrupted? When you schedule sex, you are in control of the boundaries around the scheduled time. As you make arrangements for the kids, work, and so on ahead of time, remember that you are doing it so that you can prioritize your pleasure and intimacy during your scheduled sexy time.
Since you know you will not be interrupted during your scheduled sex session, you can set the stage to have sex anywhere. For example, gather your lube and toys and head to the guest bedroom or living room couch for a change. Or to the back porch. Or to a hotel. No kids, no parents, no Zoom meetings, no worries.
When you schedule sex, you can actually get what you want.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw
No one reads minds. Nor should we read minds when it comes to sex! If you want to change things up or try something new, talk about it. If there’s something you used to enjoy, but now it’s a total turn-off, tell your partner. Use the time before your scheduled sex session to communicate about what you want and don’t want. Talk about what your boundaries are and talk about what turns you on. Get specific. Be bold. Be honest. Co-create the experience you desire.
When you schedule a date for sex, you have a motivation and a timeframe to have a conversation that you may have been putting off. Think of the scheduled sex as a reward for building up the courage to initiate the conversation about sex.
Change it up. Change up something, anything! Asking for what you want includes foreplay, after-care, positions you want to grind in, sensory experiences, toys, kink, BDSM exploration, and beyond. If you schedule sex in advance, you have time to negotiate with your partner and plan for the activities.
Scheduling sex primes the pump for spontaneous sex.
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” - Havelock Ellis
When you schedule sex, you prime the pump for spontaneous sex. If you have scheduled sex regularly, you take the pressure off spontaneous sex to fulfill all your physical and emotional needs. And once you take the pressure off something, it can spring forward.
Plus, once you’ve done all the talking and planning for scheduled sex, you’re more ready than ever for spontaneous sex. Think about it. You’re tuned into your partner’s signals. You know what activities are on the wish list. You’ve already got your lube and toys in the drawer.
Talk about spontaneous sex fantasies. Then, be open to the fantasies becoming a reality.
There you go – four reasons why scheduling sex is a super-hot strategy for getting the sex you want.
Are you on board but still can’t decide when to schedule sex? I’ll schedule it for you.
How about next Thursday evening? After work, before dinner sounds good. If that doesn’t work, how about next Saturday morning? Set the alarm, brush your teeth, and hop back into bed. The sex will be more energizing than an extra hour of sleep.
Happy scheduling!
Do you want personal support from me? Go here to schedule a sex and intimacy coaching session.