Whether you have gone one week, three months, or longer without sex…. dry spells happen when you’re in a long-term relationship. There are seasons in life when you are just too busy, too tired, or too stressed to have sex. Maybe you and your honey are apart physically. Or perhaps you’re feeling emotionally distant. Taking care of kids, dealing with illnesses, working with mismatched schedules… life just has a way of getting the way of sex.
If you’re going through this, you may feel like you’re the only one, but please know that you are not the only one who’s ever endured (and ended!) a dry spell. Dry spells are not uncommon for long-term relationships. Going through one does not mean your sex life is over.
No matter what the reason for the dry spell or how long it’s lasted, you can get the juices flowing again!
But if it’s been a while, how do you get started?
Acknowledge the Dry Spell
“Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable.” – Rollo May
Acknowledging the situation is a great place to start to move past a dry spell. Let your partner know that you miss sex and intimacy with them. Tell them that you wish it had not been so long, and you want to do what it takes to reconnect with them. Remind them that you are in this together. And, together, you can get back to the pleasure, closeness, and all that hot, kinky stuff you’ve been missing.
Maybe you’d rather talk about taxes than sex with your partner. I get it. Remember, this conversation is not about assigning blame or wallowing in shame for how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. It’s about coming together to share your desires and making a commitment to prioritize sex.
When you muster the courage and find the words to initiate the conversation, you’re already on your way to getting the sex you really want! Talking about it can diffuse frustration, get you on the same page, and maybe even build erotic anticipation. Don’t be surprised if getting vulnerable with your partner turns you on.
Start with a Practical Commitment
“A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential.” – Dr. John Gottman
If it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, you don’t have to go from zero to multiple orgasms. I mean, you can, but you don’t have to. In fact, the pressure to perform or reach a goal is antagonistic to great sex. When you're getting the juices flowing again, there is no need to pressure yourself or your partner to last for hours, have an orgasm, or bring out the restraints and the blindfold. If it’s been a while since you’ve done anything sexual together, give yourselves the freedom to just do something easy that feels good with no goal in mind.
When it comes to breaking a dry spell, it’s okay to start with whatever feels doable – just start. Break the dry spell with some sensual touching. Commit to a 10-minute make-out session on the couch Saturday night. Or commit to taking turns giving each other a foot or shoulder massage for 5 minutes after work every day next week. Send a sexy text right now. Whatever feels good will get the juices flowing again. A little bit of initiation can go a long way.
Get Your Own Juices Flowing First
“The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.” — Truman Capote
If you want to get the juices flowing with your partner, one strategy is to start by getting your own juices flowing. Wear something that makes you feel sexy. It can be lingerie, a fragrance, or those perfect jeans. Buy a new sex toy or lube. Light a candle, take a bath, and have a date with yourself. Masturbate. Fantasize. Read erotica. Or listen to erotica. Have you checked out these sexy stories yet? Watch porn. (Ladies – here is one of my favorite sites for porn that was created with us in mind.) You get the idea.
What if you’re already doing these things? That’s excellent! Now, invite your partner to explore your sexy world. The next time you masturbate, tell your partner about it. Tease them with the details. Share your favorite erotica with your partner and point out the parts that really turn you on. Get excited about the sex you’re going to have together.
Are you in a dry spell and ready to get the juices flowing again?
Do you want personal support from me? Go here to schedule a sex and intimacy coaching session.